


In The End (You're It For Me)

by dvg



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Reunions, Soulmates, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:48:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26373739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvg/pseuds/dvg
Summary: Robert and Aaron's love was tested two years ago when Robert was sent to prison. Expecting to spend the rest of his life behind bars, Robert cut off ties with his family because he thought they were better of without him, especially Aaron.When Robert cut him out of his life and filed for divorce, Aaron went into a downward spiral. Now two years later, Aaron's moved on and he's happy - finally. He's taken over running the pub and is even dating someone casually, but even he knows his heart isn't in it. Everywhere he turns, he's only reminded of his life with Robert and everything he lost.Ending his marriage was the worst decision Robert ever made, and he's regretted it every day since. Now that his conviction has been over turned and he's been released, Robert comes back to Emmerdale hoping to make things right with the man he loves, but is it too late?Can they repair the damage done to their relationship and find their way back to each other? And when truths come out, revelations that prove that fate wasn't the only one trying to keep them apart, can they forgive those that claim to love them that played a part?
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 14
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

Drunk dialing is never a good idea.

But drunk dialing your ex-husband, yeah that's really not a good idea.

That was the thought running around Robert's muddled brain as he sat on a bar stool in Crash, and tossed back his third - or was it fourth? - shot of tequila.

The conversation he was currently having with himself wasn't something new - or welcome, but forgetting about his lonelieness with alcohol had seemed like a good way to cope when the night had started when Jimmy had invited him out to the bar across town after work.

"You're so wasted, Sugden," Jimmy said as he propped himself up on to the bar stool beside him and signaled the bartender for a beer. "How many have you had now?"

Robert held up three fingers, then four, then shrugged. He still wasn't sure how many he had tossed back in the last hour. "Who cares? It feels good, don't it, so why the hell not? It's not like I have anyone at home waiting up for me."

Since Robert had been back working with Jimmy at the haulage company since his release, Jimmy could count on one hand the number of times Robert _didn't_ bring up how alone he was. _It was his choice to divorce Aaron,_ Jimmy thought as he cradled the beer glass between his hands before taking a long swallow. If you were around Robert these days, you better have alcohol within grabbing distance because the guy was....depressing to look at. He was not the same person, Jimmy mused. Prison had changed him, but Jimmy was pretty sure it was his divorce that was responsible for this new sad and depressing version of Robert Sugden currently staring into his empty glass.

"You could always go out and meet someone," Jimmy offered. "Then you could stop bitching about being alone all the time."

Robert rolled his eyes. "I don't bitch," Robert said, waving his hand through the air. "But maybe you're right. Maybe I should just go out on that dance floor." _And do something I probably shouldn't_

Jimmy leaned his elbows back against the bar so he was facing the dance floor. "You could have your pick of anybody out there. Like that blond over there who keeps looking over here. Her eyes clearly say she's interested and she wants you to ask her to dance."

But he didn't want just some random hook up. He didn't want to have meaningless sex with someone just to help him forget.

Nothing was ever going to make him forget that what - and who - he wanted wasn't his anymore. He belonged to someone else now. _You did this. You. Aaron didn't want this, but you made the decision for him._

No, he didn't have the right to feel angry or disappointed, but he was.

_It's time to move on, get on with the rest of your life._

God, he had tried, but nothing worked. And the thoughts that were currently entering his mind he knew were not healthy, so he quickly shook his head and tried to shake them free.

_Stop thinking about him,_ Robert ordered himself, but no matter how hard he tried, or how much alcohol he consumed, nothing could chase thoughts of the only man he wanted from his mind.

But the dreams he'd been having, they were enough to make him want to say screw the fact that Aaron was with someone else, screw the fact that he had been the one to throw their marriage away. The old Robert, the scheming, selfish prick was back with a vengenace, but he didn't care. Nothing and no one was going to stand in the way of him getting his husback back.

_No, no no,_ his brain screamed at him. _This is the worst idea you ever had. Drunk or sober._

_Worst._

_Idea._

_Ever._

_Don't do it._

"Earth to Robert," Jimmy said, waving a hand in front of his face.

"What?"

"Okay where the hell is the Robert we all know and love and what did you do with him?"

Robert slumped over the bar, and signaled the bartender for another shot. "He went to prison and fucked everything up."

"Enough with the dramatics," Jimmy said. "You've been out of prison for almost a month now. Time to get on with life. Live it up."

"This is how I live it up," Robert said, downing the next shot in one gulp. "I'm in a state of mourning, give me a god damn break and stop breathing down my neck."

Jimmy frowned into his beer glass. "Is this about Aaron?"

"Aaron smaren," Robert slurred.

"I know it can't be easy seeing him with Mark, but you had to know he would move on eventually."

Yeah, but he didn't need to be reminded constantly about his stupid mistakes. And letting Aaron go, moving ahead with the divorce, had been the stupidest of all. "He's happy, it's what I wanted for him. But it hurts. It fucking hurts like hell."

"You were the one that---"

"I know!" Robert snapped. "You don't need to remind me. You and everyone else."

"You didn't see what he was like," Jimmy said. "That first year was hell for him. Chas said she didn't think she'd ever see him smile again. He lost everything, Rob. Not just you, but Seb, too. He went into a downward spiral that no one ever thought he would get out of."

Robert winced as Jimmy's word sliced through his heart. "Can we talk about something else please? _Anything else_. Or better yet, I'll just leave."

Jimmy pursed his lips. "It really bothers you, doesn't it? What you did to him."

"Of course it does!"

"Then instead of sitting here wallowing here in self pity, why don't you go find him and tell him how sorry you are?"

"What's the fucking point? He's with Mark now, he's moved on."

"To help give you closure? How else are you going to move on with your life? That's what Aaron did. He got tired of sitting around and watching life pass him by. Maybe you should do the same."

"Since when did you become an expert on relationships?," Robert snipped. "Just leave me alone to drown in my sorrows so I can take my mind off my broken heart, will ya?"

Jimmy slapped down some cash on the bar and grabbed his jacket. "I'll leave you to it. I have a wife and kids to get home to."

"Sure, just rub it in."

He placed a hand on Robert's arm. "Cheer up, and don't give up hope. It's not like they're married yet. You still have a shot." 

Robert watched as Jimmy left the bar, before he grabbed his cell phone from the pocket of his leather jacket, his finger hovering over Aaron's name.

_They aren't married yet._

And they never would be if he had anything to say about it.

"Another?" the bartender asked as he wiped the bar down.

Robert pushed his empty glass forward. "And keep them coming."

He was drunk. That was the only viable excuse Robert could think of for why he did the one thing he knew was a _really_ bad idea.

If there was ever a bad decision to be made, Robert always made it, and calling his ex-husband when he was drunk was just added to the long list.


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron froze in place as he stared at the phone in his hand where Robert's name was blinking back at him. The headache he'd been fighting all day behind the bar intensified.

Aaron had been avoiding Robert, so he was surprised when, before he could stop himself, he hit accept and put the phone to his ear. And when Robert's slurred voice came through the phone, sexy as fuck, Aaron knew he was fucked. He rubbed the tension at the back of his neck as he locked the doors and took a seat at the back of the empty pub.

Robert was in the past, and he had to stay there. He finally had his head on straight, a man that adored him, and he was happy.

_Keep telling yourself that._

_Shut up,_ he told the voice in his head that wouldn't leave him alone.

"Aaron." The way Robert slurred his name had Aaron adjusting his pants. Just the sound of the man's voice still affected him, and it pissed him off. He cursed his body for betraying him.

He wasn't buying the act Robert had been putting on since coming back to the village. Aaron knew Robert too well and how pathetically easily he still fell for his charm after everything Robert had put him through had Aaron seriously questioning his own sanity. His inability to get Robert out of his system despite their ill-fated marriage and divorce frustrated him. The cocky attitude Robert had been walking around with only seemed to heighten the attraction to the man and only reminded Aaron why he had fallen for Robert in the first place all those years ago. And apparently the feeling was mutual because no matter how many times he told Robert to leave him alone, he never listened.

Not like he ever listened, Aaron mused with a snort. If he had, Robert wouldn't have gone to prison, and maybe they would still be together.

_No. Don't go down that road._

It was pointless playing the what-if game, but it didn't stop his brain from playing it.

Everywhere he turned, there was Robert, making his presence known. Which was not helping his current relationship, which had already been strained before Robert had re-entered the picture.

This was part of the game, the thrill, for Robert, Aaron knew. Robert had been the one to walk away from him, their marriage. He had thrown away their life together and everything they'd worked for. And now that he was out of prison, Robert just expected Aaron to come running back into his arms like nothing had happened, like he hadn't broken Aaron's heart and sent him on a downward spiral.

"Robert," Aaron answered, rolling his eyes as if Robert could see the gesture. "Have you been drinking?" All Aaron could hear was heavy breathing on the other end of the line, then he heard the sound of loud music blaring in the background. 

"No." 

"Liar," Aaron accused. He jammed his hands in his pockets, disgusted with himself for how he was reacting to just the sound of Robert's voice and how he knew he would say anything just to get a reaction, to hear Robert's voice again.

"I miss you." 

"Don't," Aaron said harshly. "Don't you dare."

"Don't I dare what?"

"Don't say you miss me. You lost that right years ago. Don't." Aaron knew his voice was cracking, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"You miss me, too."

Aaron rolled his eyes at the cockiness of Robert's words and tone. "No, I don't."

"Yes you do or you wouldn't have answered the phone."

_Do I miss him?_

_Of course you do or you wouldn't have answered the phone. He's right, you just don't want to admit it._

Aaron's denial only seemed to entice Robert to keep pushing. "I miss you so damn much. I don't understand."

Aaron blinked a few times as Robert's admission washed over him and had him longing for the man on the other end of the line. "You don't understand what?"

"Why you didn't write me back."

"How drunk are you?"

Robert snorted as he signaled the bartender for another. "Don't change the subject. Answer the damn question. Why didn't you write me back?"

"I would answer the damn question if I knew what the hell you were talking about," Aaron shot back. His temper flaring, he walked over to the bar and poured a shot of whiskey. Robert's guessing games were enough to make anyone want to drink. "And I believe I asked you to steer clear of me."

"You know more than anyone that if I want something, I'm not going to let anything stop me."

Drunk or not, Aaron could already picture the half-smirk, half-smile that was no doubt all over Robert's face as he spoke.

"I know," Aaron said exasperated as he tossed back the shot and slammed the glass down on the counter. And what Robert wanted was him, Aaron just couldn't figure out what had changed. "You do remember that you were the one that wanted the divorce, right? I made it clear to you that I didn't care if you were going to be locked up for one year or fourteen, that I would never walk away from you? You were the one that ended things, you're the reason why we're strangers now. You can't just snap your fingers and erase the past two years."

"You never wrote me back," Robert said. "I tried to reach out to you, I tried to tell you how much I needed you, but you ignored me. You had already let me go."

"What the hell are you talking about? When did you try to reach out to me? The only word I ever got from you was that stupid letter you sent during lockdown."

Robert gripped the glass in his hands. "Don't lie, Aaron. I sent you at least ten after that."

How drunk was he? Aaron wondered. Nothing was making sense. "I'm not lying," Aaron said. "I never got any other letters from you."

Robert sat at the bar twirling his empty glass, fighting the emotions going on inside of him. "I waited and waited to hear back from you. When I never did, I knew that what I had done that first year, pushing you away, asking for a divorce, was just too much for you to take, that I had really fucked everything up this time. But I didn't stop trying, I wanted you to know how sorry I was and how much I missed you, how much I still loved you."

Aaron decided he was going to need more alcohol based on the direction this conversation was going and poured something a bit stronger before perching a hip against the bar. "I've moved on, Rob. You need to, too."

"I don't want to," Robert said, stubborn as ever. "I want you."

Caught off guard by Robert's admission, and the way the whiskey was making his head spin, Aaron swallowed. "Go home and sober up," Aaron said as he lifted his own glass to his lips, and ended the call before he did something stupid like ask Robert what bar he was at. If he knew where Robert was, he knew he would go there and there would be no stopping him, even though he knew it would be a big mistake.

But as he pulled on his jacket and headed towards the Mill, he couldn't stop thinking about what Robert said.

If Robert had been telling the truth, and he had written more letters to him, where the hell were they and why hadn't he ever seen them?

And just as he was unlocking the front door, and he saw Cain coming down the spiral staircase, an image of a stack of unopened envelopes that Cain had insisted was just junk mail flashed in his mind.

"You," Aaron said angrily as he slammed the door behind him, glaring at the man he now knew had been keeping secrets from him. "Where the hell are the letters? And don't bother lying to me."

The guilty look that crossed Cain's features told Aaron all he needed to know: Cain knew exactly what he was talking about and Robert hadn't been lying. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. The letters Robert wrote to me while he was in prison," Aaron said. "I don't want to hear any more of your lies. Now, I'm going to ask you again. Where the hell are the letters?"

Cain hesitated, knowing the truth would only make a bad situation worse, but the look on Aaron's face made him fess up to what he'd done. "Aaron, we did it for your own good, so you could move on. You're happy with Mark. Why the hell does this matter now?" It was a lame excuse, but with Aaron staring at him with murder in his eyes, it was all he could come up with. 

Aaron ran a hand through his hair that had been flattened by the rain coming down in sheets outside. He was so sick and tired of everyone trying to control his life. How could he admit out loud that it mattered because he had been having some serious doubts about his relationship with Mark for a while now, long before Robert had re-entered the picture, and every time Robert was near him he wanted him and only him? And now learning the truth - that Robert had reached out to him while he was in prison - it only made him realize that his relationship with Mark was a mistake, and he still had feelings for his ex-husband who he thought stopped loving him.

What the hell did he do now? "Where the hell are they?" Aaron demanded again. "I asked you a question and I want an answer."

With his eyes glued to anything but Aaron, Cain admitted, "Your mum, she destroyed them."

And just like that, Aaron's whole world came crashing down as he realized he couldn't trust his own family, not a single one of them. They had all betrayed him.

Robert had reached out to him, Robert had needed him, and he hadn't been there. All because his family had decided he should just forget about Robert and move on, that he was better off without him. They had seen first hand how heartbroken he was when Robert got sent down and how much time it had taken him to come to terms with his marriage being over, and all this time they were plotting to keep them apart behind his back? 

_Because they knew you would never leave him, that you would spend the rest of your life visiting him in prison, and they didn't want that kind of life for you._

He would deal with them later. But first, he needed to talk to Robert, he needed to straighten things out.

He grabbed his phone from his pocket and sent him a text.

**Where are you? I need to see you.**


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron wasn't surprised when he found himself in front of Robert's flat, banging on his door, despite Robert's snarky text. 

**I'm at home. What the hell do you care?**

Aaron paced the porch, then strode back to the door and banged on it again. 

What the hell was he doing? _This is stupid._ He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, stuffed his hands in the pocket of his jacket as the rain continued to pour down. He had nearly calmed himself down before the door finally opened.

Robert crossed his arms over his chest. The last thing he wanted to right now was to engage in another fighting match with his ex-husband. "What are you doing here? I thought you said all you had to say on the phone earlier."

"I didn't know about those letters," Aaron said, getting right to the point.

"You've said that already, so I'm not really sure what you're doing here."

"If I had known about them, things might have turned out differently for us."

"Can't go back in time so..." Robert shrugged like it was no big deal when Aaron knew otherwise. It was a very big deal - to both of them. If his family hadn't interfered, Aaron knew, without a doubt, that they would still be together. They would still be married. He had spent the last few years trying to outrun his grief, had tried turning to the bottle to help numb the pain, but nothing, no matter how hard he tried or how far he tried to run, could make him forget.

And now to find out all of that pain, all of that grief, could have avoided if his family had told him the truth? 

The truth had been uncovered and now Aaron could feel the anger bubbling inside of him. "I found out tonight that Cain intercepted the letters and apparently my mum burned them."

Robert had to reign in his temper, his anger, before they got the better of him. He stuffed his hands in the back pocket of his jeans to keep from throwing something. "Looks like Cain and I need to have a word."

Aaron stepped forward and put a hand on Robert's arm. "Nothing can change what happened, but I want to know what was in those letters." And, Aaron wondered, if he had been given the chance to read them, how different would things be now?

* * *

They sat on the grey couch in Robert's living room. Robert didn't know where to start, even though he could vividly remember every word he wrote in those letters. It made him nervous, the way Aaron was watching him, his gaze curious and conflicted, as he waited for Robert to start talking.

Robert thought back to the day he finally decided to stop fighting his feelings and made the choice to be selfish. He could remember the day like it was yesterday the memory was so clear. Adjusting to life in prison had been hard, but the hardest thing was learning to cope without any communication with his husband. He had kept to himself for the most part, stayed out of trouble, but the solitude didn't help distract him from what he was missing on the other side. The memory gnawed at his gut. He had been so scared, so alone, conflicted between wanting to do what was best for Aaron by leaving him alone and acting selfishly and needing to see him, to hear his voice just once. In the end, his fear of Aaron never knowing how he really felt won out. He just planned on writing one letter, but when he got no response, he wrote another, then another until after ten he finally gave up, conceding to the fact that he had pushed Aaron too far, that he had lost Aaron for good this time. He had resigned himself to the fact that Aaron had finally accepted that their marriage was over and was moving on with his life.

That revelation had sent him on a path down a very dark road, one he had no intention of going back down.

Robert tried to gauge Aaron's reaction as he went over in brief detail what he had written in the letters. At first, it seemed like Aaron hadn't been affected at all, but as he continued to talk, Aaron's face changed and it had Robert scooting to the other end of the couch, as far away from Aaron as he could get. When he finished talking, he fiddled with the watch on his wrist to keep from looking into Aaron's eyes. He couldn't trust himself now, not when Aaron was this close to him.

"I'm going to kill my mum," Aaron said through clenched teeth as he got up to prowl the living room.

A part of Robert wanted to too, but what was the point? It wouldn't change anything. "It doesn't matter."

Aaron whirled on him. "It _does_ matter."

"It's done, it's over. What's getting mad at your mum going to do now? You've moved on, end of story. Can we just stop talking about it?" 

"You really think I've moved on?" Aaron demanded. 

"Yes," Robert said honestly. "I've seen you with him, you're happy. I'm not going to ruin that. I've ruined your life enough. After tonight, we steer clear of each other." It would kill him, but he knew there was no other way. 

"I don't want him, I want _you._ " 

Robert looked into Aaron's eyes then, and he saw the fire. The want. The need.

"Don't," Robert said, and turned around and walked into the kitchen. He couldn't do this, he couldn't control his feelings...or his hands. Aaron needed to go, and he needed to go now before they both did something they would regret.

Aaron came up behind him and put his hands on Robert's shoulders. For an awkward, endless five seconds neither spoke or moved. 

Then Robert found himself turned around and trapped between Aaron's body and the counter, two unyielding surfaces as frustration, need, temper, and desire had been bottled up inside of him for too long. Robert took what he hadn't allowed himself to think was ever going to be possible again. He gripped Aaron's shoulders and fell into a kiss that was both brutal and unyielding.

They were both breathless when Aaron tore his mouth away. For a moment they stayed where they were, in the kitchen, staring at each other. Then Robert leaned forward, fisted his hands in Aaron's hair, and Aaron dug his fingers into Robert's shoulder as their lips locked again, a reckless war of tongues and teeth. Robert's hands tugged at Aaron's jacket, Aaron's rushed under Robert's sweater. Groping, gasping, they fought to find more. Aaron's back hit the refrigerator as Robert's teeth scraped along his neck. 

The sound of Aaron's cell phone in his pocket interrupted the moment.

"Sorry," Aaron said, and when he looked down at the phone, he put it back in his pocket.

Robert dragged his hands through his hair, fisted them there, and raised an eyebrow. "You're not going to answer that?"

"It's not important," Aaron said. "Not as important as this."

Robert dropped his hands. "It was your boyfriend, wasn't it?" He told himself to keep his mouth shut, that it wasn't any of his business.

 _Not for long,_ Aaron thought. "Yeah, but Rob it's not serious. I've been trying to end it with him for weeks, I just haven't had a chance. Something always comes up."

"I thought you were happy with him."

That's what it looked like from the outside, Aaron knew, but honestly, Aaron couldn't remember the last time he felt that particular emotion. "That's just what I want people to believe so they'll get off my back. We've been fighting a lot lately, he hasn't spent the nights for weeks."

"Just a minute ago we were..."

"Kissing," Aaron said.

"I was about to do a hell of a lot more than kiss you."

"I know." Aaron could still see the heat of desire in Robert's eyes, and he was pretty sure Robert could see the same in his. "I'm sorry we got interrupted."

"Maybe it's a good thing we did," Robert said.

"Why?"

"Aaron, I want you. You know that. But you're still with Mark. I can't - even though I want to - continue this, whatever this is, while you're with someone else." He yanked a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with cold water from the tap. He considered splashing it in his face, but gulped it down instead. It didn't help cool him off. "We can't do this," Robert said when Aaron reached for him.

Aaron didn't budge an inch. He knew what he saw in Robert's eyes. It was unmistakable. "Tell me what you want," Aaron said. "Stop thinking about everybody else and just tell me what you want."

Robert took a step closer to what - who - he wanted. "I want you," he murmured before he crashed their mouths together.

Aaron swore and muttered under his breath when his phone went off again. 

"Shit," Aaron said as he looked at the message on his phone. "Mark's mom is in the hospital. I have to go."


	4. Chapter 4

The panic he'd been feeling, the guilt, morphed into numbness as Robert realized what they had been about to do didn't just affect him and Aaron, it affected everyone around them.

Including Aaron's boyfriend. He barely knew the guy - didn't want to - but he wasn't totally heartless. Even though he wanted to hate him, he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried to. Maybe if he did, it would make the fact that he had been kissing Aaron not feel like such a betrayal.

 _He belonged to you first,_ he reminded himself. _Yeah, but I let him go, I divorced him. This is exactly what I wanted for him, to find somebody else, someone that made him happy._

And that was the problem. He had been the one to end their marriage, he had been the one to shut Aaron out. All of this was his own fault.

_No, if it's anybody's fault, it's Chas and Cain for destroying those letters. If they hadn't, you would be together now._

_Would we?_

At war with himself, Robert shut his eyes and tried to drown the voices out.

"Rob?" Aaron said, but he was lost in his own world and didn't hear him.

How was it possible that life could change so drastically in a few minutes? Just seconds ago he had his lips on Aaron's and didn't care about anything - or anybody - else.

"Rob?" Aaron said again. He shrugged into his jacket as Robert finally looked at him. He could tell Robert's head was somewhere else. "I'm sorry. I would stay here with you if I could, but his mum's been rushed to the hospital and I...."

"You need to go," Robert said. "I understand."

"I want to be here. With you. I don't want to leave."

"You should be with him. He needs you."

"I'll make it up to you," Aaron said, putting his hand on Robert's shoulder. He wanted to stay here, to forget about everyone else, and deal with this, and the feelings he'd been avoiding dealing with since Robert had come back.

"You don't owe me anything. Go be with your boyfriend." They were only a few feet apart, so Robert put some distance between them. He couldn't risk looking Aaron in the eyes, knowing that if he did he would change his mind and pull Aaron back into his arms without any thought to anyone else.

"We'll finish this later, yeah?" He didn't want to leave, didn't want this moment to end, and silently cursed the Gods once again for trying to separate them. He knew Robert was holding back, trying to pretend like he didn't care, that he wasn't affected, but Aaron knew he was. They both were.

Robert didn't answer him, he couldn't. The text from Mark had been a wake-up call, a dreadful reminder that Aaron didn't belong to him anymore, that someone else needed him. Someone else loved him.

"I'm sorry," Robert said, lifting his hands then letting them fall again. "We need to keep our distance from now on, Aaron. I can't let you hurt him, and I won't be your bit on the side."

"I would never ask you to," Aaron said.

"Just go," Robert said, his voice breaking.

"I love you," Aaron said, his voice matching Robert's.

"I know," Robert said softly. "And I love you. I always will."

Robert made it sound so permanent, like he was ready to just give up. It made Aaron feel defeated and he didn't know what he could or what he could say to convince Robert he meant every word he was saying. "I'm going to go see Mark, see how he's doing and I promise you I'm going to end it with him, then I'm going to come back here and we can..."

"I left you, Aaron. Do you really think what happened here tonight changes that? We both need time to figure out what it is we want. Maybe you'll go see Mark and you'll figure out that he's the one you want to be with."

"Don't be absurd," Aaron said. "I love you, I always have. I was stupid for thinking things could work with anyone else when I never got over you. I care about him, I do, but I don't love him. Not the way I love you."

"Then let's just take some time, yeah? Away from each other so we can figure out what we both want."

Aaron already knew what he wanted, but he didn't want to waste time arguing with Robert about it. If his words weren't convincing enough, maybe his actions would be.

"Fine," Aaron said, frustration lacing his tone. "Let me know when you figure out what you want." With his eyes locked on Robert's, Aaron walked out.

After Aaron was gone, Robert shut the door and sunk to the floor. With his back against the door, he put his face in his hands and let the tears fall. He had lost Aaron again, and this time, it was probably for good.

And it was no one's fault but his own.

* * *

Robert jolted in his sleep and reached for the sheets to catch himself on the spiral down, as he spiraled into the darkness, where old ghosts found him, just like they always did.

_Did you really think I'd gone away? That just because those idiots let you out of prison that it changes what you did to me?_

Robert shook his head on the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to banish that voice from his mind, but it was no use. As his pulse sped up, his body shook and a ghostly image appeared.

 _You're not real,_ he thought, curling his fists around the sheets like a lifeline. _You're not here._

 _Aren't I?_ the voice taunted him. _Then why am I still here?_

Robert's eyes shot open and he laid a hand on his chest and felt the beat of his racing heart. He couldn't breathe, and he was slowly losing his mind. He blinked a few times and tried to focus on things in his bedroom. The closet, the dresser, the framed pictures on the wall. But all he could see was the shadows dancing on the ceiling. Shadows that were taking form in the shape of the man that haunted him.

_You will never be free of me. You killed me. You ended my life. I'm the crime that you committed. I will never let you forget._

Robert shut his eyes again as sweat-drenched his face. But as he rolled to his side, the pale face and lifeless eyes of the man he killed stared up at him.

_I am the guilt inside your head. Remember me like this. Never forget what you did to me because I won't let you._

Robert's mind screamed out in denial as he brought his knees up to his chest and covered his face with his hands. "You're dead."

_And whose fault is that?_

"Mine," Robert whispered into the dark. He felt cold as tears cascaded down his cheeks as the guilt took over. 

Maybe it was a good thing Aaron had gone back to be with Mark. Aaron wouldn't want him like this. He wouldn't want the broken man that he really was, that he tried so hard to hide.

Aaron was better off without him. 

Just like Robert had always known he was.

* * *

The next morning, Robert put a call into his therapist. After another night of waking up in the middle of the night with the visions of Lee that wouldn't let him alone and his frustration over what had happened between him and Aaron, he couldn't put this off, he needed someone to talk to before he did something stupid and let the demons inside his soul win.

"Robert." Hannah held out her hand to him, then gestured to the green couch in her office. She sat down on the chair opposite him and crossed her legs, her cherry-red pumps that matched the color of her blouse. "I didn't expect to see you so soon after our last meeting." She already had a pad of paper and pen in her hand and was making a few notes. "You said on the phone that you had another nightmare."

"He won't leave me alone." Robert shuddered as he lowered himself down onto the couch in her office. 

"What do you think triggered it?"

"I think I fucked up," he said bluntly. Her face was expressionless as she waited for him to continue, knowing he had some things to get off his chest. "I kissed my ex-husband."

Hannah looked down at the file folder in her hands and shuffled some papers. "Aaron," she said, looking up at him.

Robert found himself smiling at just the mention of his name, even on someone else's lips. "Yeah. I told you about the letters I wrote him while I was in prison."

"Yes. You said before that it bothered you that he never wrote back to you."

"Yesterday I found out that he never got them, that his family," Robert said, his lips curling into a snarl at the word _family_ , "destroyed them before he could read them."

"That's an interesting development." She tapped her pen against her knee. "Aaron told you this?"

"Yeah, after I asked him why he never wrote me back. I was drunk at the time. If I had been sober I don't think I would have had the courage to ask him."

"And what did he say?"

"He said he never got them, then I guess something clicked and he confronted his uncle about it and he learned the truth."

"So, the two of you talked and ended up....kissing?"

Robert went through, in brief detail, skipping over the intimate parts, what happened between him and Aaron before Aaron's boyfriend had sent him that text message that had forced them to put an end to what had been going on between them.

"Hmm," Hannah said. "And now you're keeping your distance from each other."

"We're trying," Robert said, but it was unconvincing. "Not that it's ever worked before."

"I think it would be best if you did. Have you thought about getting away for a while, putting some real distance between the two of you? Until the two of you can sort out your feelings. It sounds like Aaron is conflicted."

"He is," Robert agreed, rubbing his hands over his face. "Aaron is loyal to the people he cares about. I know he's not in love with Mark, but he cares about him. We both agreed to not let things go any further between us until he ends it."

"So you're trying to give him space," Hannah said, nodding her head. "What are you going to do until then?"

"I've made plans to go visit my son." He had already been in touch with Rebecca, and his bags were in the back of his car. This was his last stop before he hit the road. Right now, he wasn't sure when he would come back, if he did at all. "I've only seen him a few times since I got out, and his mum agreed to let me come visit whenever I wanted until we could get a custody agreement reached. After Aaron left, I called her. I've booked a hotel in Liverpool for a few days. I might stay there longer, it depends."

"Spending time away from your ex might be a good idea. And I can't think of anything better for your mental health than spending some time with your son. I know you still carry a lot of guilt around for the time you lost with him. Maybe this is a good thing, a chance for you to step back and re-evaluate where you go from here, what you want from life. This is your fresh start, don't waste it."

"I love Aaron," Robert admitted with a sigh. "I want to be with him, but I'm afraid that he'll give up everything for me. He almost did before, but I wouldnt let him. I never should have come back. He has a chance at a life, to build a life with someone that isn't so fucked up and makes mistakes and just does whatever the hell he wants without thinking about the consequences. Maybe it's time I walked away and let him live the life he deserves."

"Robert," Hannah said, reaching out and putting her hand on his. "You made that decision for him once before and look at what happened. Do you really want to make the same mistake again?"

"No," Robert said with a sigh. "I just don't know what else to do. I just want him to be happy."

"And maybe it's you that makes him happy. He wouldn't have married you, what? Twice right? He wouldn't have if he didn't love you if he didn't see a future with you."

"But I fucked everything up. What if we can't get past it?"

"Take time and think about it. Is Aaron worth fighting for or are you really willing to walk away from him and live the rest of your life wondering what if?"


End file.
